Let Go: A Reflection At 32

Hey, howdy, hi! It's been a while. I've had a LOT going on and will dive into alllaaaaa that in a later blog, but there was just something sitting on my heart that I needed to dump so here we are resurrecting the blog!

Lately, I feel like Avril Lavigne on the cover of her debut album "Let Go". You know, the one where she's standing in the middle of the crosswalk and everyone is just passing her by? That’s kind of what life feels like lately. At my best friend’s gender reveal the other day, I met another friend’s new girlfriend who asked me “How are you liking your 30s, are they better than your 20s?” I’m sure she was just asking to ask - cause ya know, 32 isn’t very far from your 20’s especially when the ends of your 20’s were taken over by “unprecedented times” (as a millennial I am getting REALLY sick of hearing that saying). But before I gave the standard “your 30s are GREAT”, I really thought about it. I LOVED my 20's. I worked in the music industry, I co-owned a business, I went OUT, I had fun, lots of friends of all sorts and ages, barely ever home, but that is simply just not who I am anymore, and I haven’t been that person for a long time. In fact, me now probably would not have hung out with Shabby in her 20s although Shabby in her 20s would have hung out with me FOR SURE lol.

Don’t get me wrong, 30’s are cool (so far I guess, I'm only a year and 2 months into it) - I probably should have led with this. I know who I am now, I know WHAT I want, I know the people I want to share my time with, what I want from my career, I have more money than I’ve ever had, I’ve been to therapy - I know what issues I have and the root of all of them, I have a very clear vision for the life I see myself having and for the first time ever, I have stability. But what people don’t tell you is that with the clarity that your 30s bring YOU on YOURSELF, also alters your relationships. I have witnessed more changes in relationships in the last two years than I ever have. 

You see, I am what I have labeled as “ A LIFER”. Once we become friends I am yours FOR LIFE. I will always do everything I can to ensure we work through our issues, we help each other heal and process this thing called life, we have fun and laugh, and most importantly, we COMMUNICATE. I will always have your back. So although I’ve made lots of new friendships in the last year, my core friend group (for the most part) are all people I have known for over 10 years and I intend to be friends with them til the day I die. 

From L-R: Amanda (friends for 11 years), Heather (friends for 14 years), Taylor (friends for 18 years), Elize (friends for 20 years), Catie (friends for 25 years).

But as you get older, life happens. People get married, they get divorced, or they have kids, they buy homes, they move away, and with each life choice they make to this more established life, the more the relationships change. Now let me preface this by saying I absolutely hate change. I REALLY struggle with it and often have a period of almost mourning for what was. I think it’s mostly because it usually feels a little out of my control and I hate not having control over a situation (call it my self-preservation) but today as this girl asked me this question I realized as much as I love the good things that come with my 30’s, I often feel I am being left behind. Like the train keeps moving and won’t stop to pick me up. (Alexa, play "Stop This Train" by John Mayer").

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading as always. My blog serves as a safe space for me to dump my thoughts and emotions, but I also hope that someone, literally anyone, can find something I write about relatable and feel a little less alone. As always, I am open to a conversation on your thoughts or just as someone to talk to if you feel alone. My comments and DMs are open, talk soon.

Oh PS - I am working on a new website I am currently building out so stay tuned for a full website for Not Too Shabby, and not just a blog site!

xoxo,

Shab